Health.

How is it when a loved one is sick?
Not just a regular flu sick, but seriously sick?

It's been just a couple months into our relationship, but then we figured out this news.

What do you do when your boyfriend has cancer?

It's been a couple months now, and we've settled into a quasi-routine.

The illness and the treatment takes a lot out of him. And it's a tough battle that he fights. But he is strong and he fights on.

The helplessness that I feel in this situation is terrible.

The sadness and pain and panic I feel in empathizing with him is agonizing.

How terrible it is to have someone you love (even fledgling love) go through this?

I can do little around him except just try to keep good spirits and try to keep him in good spirits as well. At first, though, I had a hearty cry whenever I saw him, but I stay stronger now. I try to remember that this disease does not wholly define him, though it certainly handicaps him greatly now. We just try to get through this tough trial as we can.

I try to keep a smile on around him and around my friends and family, and in some respects, it isn't too difficult because I know that it all works out in the end (philosophically, religiously, etc.). It's the optimism shining through, not necessarily of him getting better because the possibility of death is very real. It's the optimism of knowing that everything works out in the end.

But when I'm away from him or friends or family or anyone who knows me, when I'm in the midst of strangers, panic and sadness and fear grips at me. It clouds my heart, my vision unfocuses, and I just want to find somewhere quiet to sit and contemplate. It's especially hard when I walk past places that we spent time together, or of situations that remind me of him.

It can seem as though I'm self pitying myself, and maybe I am, but that doesn't mean that I fully deny myself all chances of expressing whatever emotion I feel. Moderation is key. Shutting down and saying that abject feelings are not good, are not helpful, are a waste is the other extreme of wallowing in self pity and hoarding the negativity. I feel as though I'm justifying my feelings right now, and I don't think I need to do so.

What have I felt so far? Confusion, shock, mild denial, ANGER, disbelief, grief, depression, hope, and many other emotions which are hard to name and give a face to.

I believe that he is God's hands. Whatever God wills, will happen, whether it be that he lives or dies. And I know that there is life after death, and I suspect we fear death because we are afraid of this unknown afterlife - the undiscover'd country from whose bourne no traveller has returned.
So I pray.

I pray, and I try to keep him in good spirits.

I deal with the tangle of emotions I feel through as many productive means as I need - friends, family, letters to myself, this blog, etc.

If you're reading this, you've surely figured out that my thoughts are in tangles and rambles. This is definitely not straightforward.

Life is not straightforward.

You take it as it comes, and trust that you can handle it.

* * *

I've been trying to brainstorm what I could do to cheer him up and keep him happy in whatever ways I can.

There's the obvious like visiting him. We keep in contact through the phone and email when schedules become hectic.

I've made some food for him.

I'm thinking of sending a homemade card through the old fashioned snail mail - he's a romantic, so he would appreciate that I think :)

Calling up the florist and getting some plants for him - some that are hardy and live a long life, with a bit of tending. He always did have a nurturing side to him - for easy-to-care-for plants, I'm sure of that!

What other things could I do?

First kiss?

I've been casually searching through Google, about the 'normal' age that people have their first kiss. Now, I imagine that the sample I gathered was not strongly representative of the overall population, but it's interesting to see that there are lots of the people who worry about getting their first kiss by their early teens, and that there are lots of other people who are in their late teens or 20s and just got or are still waiting for that first kiss.

It's such a romantic notion that Hollywood sells to us - this magical first kiss filled with fireworks and doe-eyes.

But there seems to be a slight more of a fixation on the kiss itself than the parties involved.

Isn't it the person that you kiss that makes it special?

hehe I've never worried too much about that first kiss, assuredly thinking that once I found someone special, it would naturally follow. And so it did (at the age of 20). :)

It makes me wonder also: I initiated the kiss with my boyfriend. I had previously told him I was uncomfortable with the notion, and it wasn't until a couple months in that I finally told him I was ready. I was more than ready -- I whole-heartedly wanted it! And I dove in for it :)

Now I can't stop thinking about it and just want more! hehe

I wonder what age people have their kiss at - not just the early teens, but the late bloomers as well. And thoughts on guy or girl initiating it?

The Teeth of Wisdom

I recently got all four of my wisdom teeth extracted and, boy, what a scare they gave me! Like most other people, I was really worried and scared going in. The dentist was very pleasant and the team was supportive, making the entire ordeal a little more bearable. Being totally knocked out during the procedure helped immensely as well!

A FEW WORDS OF WISDOM

Now, the day before going in, I decided to google for words of wisdom. I didn't get a chance to try all of the advice, but here were some that stuck out at me:

NOTE! If you're going to try this, follow with caution! I am in no way an expert in this and this info may or may not be accurate!

Medicine
- The dentist prescribed for me painkillers and antibiotics.
- Stay ahead of the pain! I've been taking the painkillers right on schedule, and I currently feel no pain - a bit of dull numbness, but nothing bad at all.

Dry socket
- I haven't got it, and I don't want to either.
- What is it? It's apparently where the blood clot over the wound is dislodged prematurely, exposing the bone and nerves to the air. The result is a ton of pain, and not much can be done to help. In the case I do get it (knock on wood!) I could visit the dentist, and they can pack it with some cloves and gauze, but nonetheless, healing time will be delayed.
- How can I avoid it?
Do NOT use a straw afterwards - the sucking action is not good for the healing area.
Avoid coughing and sneezing because that could dislodge the clot.
No touching the area with tongue or fingers.
Don't rinse mouth rigorously.
Avoid playing a wind instrument (bye bye flute *tear*).
Luckily I don't smoke, since smoking increases the chance of getting a dry socket!
It's also lucky that I don't drink - drinking is a big no-no if I don't want dry socket.
I didn't hear about this before, so I scheduled the surgery near the beginning of my cycle. I should have tried to get the teeth out at the end of my cycle, when estrogen levels are lowest - this would have decreased the chances of developing dry socket.

Swelling
- Pain and swelling peaks after 2-3 days of surgery, after which they slowly subside.
- For the first 24 hours after the surgery, I used an ice pack on my cheek. 20 min on one cheek, and then switched the ice pack over to the other cheek for 20 min.
- It's the second day now, so I'm going to be using a warm, damp towel on my cheeks. I'll use the warmth treatment tomorrow as well.
- Hopefully this works so I don't end up swelling like a chipmunk!
- I found that a tiny bit of swelling is happening this second day, but it's nothing major. I do feel a bit of soreness in the jaw area though, and today, it's a little harder to open my mouth. Then again, yesterday, I couldn't really open my mouth at all.

Salt water rinses
- The first 24 hours, I wasn't allowed to rinse out my mouth.
- After 24 hours, I'm now supposed to gargle/gently rinse my mouth with warm salt water. Something like 1tsp salt per cup of water.
- I'm supposed to do this 10-20 times a day, or as many times as I can manage.
- It helps reduce the chances of infection.

Tea bags
- These can help with excessive bleeding.
- How to use it? Dip the tea bag in a bit of water, squeeze to drain excess water, wrap it in some gauze, and put it over the wound and bite down.
- How does it work? The tea helps draw out the blood, and the tannic acid helps stop bleeding.

Pineapple juice
- The bromelain in the pineapple helps reduce swelling.
- Drink a few days before, to prepare your body. You can drink it after as well, though be careful because it can burn the wound a little.

FOOD!

The most important part! :D

It's just a few days after the surgery, and I'm already missing all my regular food. I'm a food lover, so it's hard not being able to eat all the food that I love. Even this morning, my family had BBQ chicken and some pasta that I couldn't indulge in.

I should eat just soft foods.
The first day was mostly liquids. The second day, I was able to start eating more solid foods.
I should avoid small particles that can get stuck in the wound, like rice and coconut.

Sometimes I don't feel like in the mood for eating because opening my mouth is a bit difficult, but of course, I need to get nutrients in order to get better! I've been using a small teaspoon to feed myself, or I've just been using a mug to drink out of.

I also need to stay well hydrated, so I should be drinking lots of water.

So far, I've found that the percocet (the painkiller) made me feel kind of nauseous especially when I had it with just liquids. The side effects go away if I have it with some food, though apparently taking percocet with some food lessens the painkilling effect - I still feel fine though, as in no major pains.

* My diet over the past few days has been:

Day 1
- congee (no rice!)
- chocolate milk
- water

Day 2
- congee again
- mashed potatoes - with homogenized milk and lots of butter yum. I'm going to find some gravy for it soon because there's only so much I can eat before being tired of just plain mashed potatoes
- chocolate pudding
- orange Jello - this one was harder to eat than the pudding because it was a bit harder and required some chewing; I ended up mashing up the Jello before eating it
- water

Day 3
- mashed potatoes (I'll eat it for breakfast, but otherwise have gotten sick of it already)
- banana smoothie
- strawberry Jello
- chocolate pudding
- Pizza pops cut up into tiny pieces and chewed carefully in the front
- slices of white bread, dipped in hot chocolate (I wanted to dip it in sweet condensed milk melted in hot water, but ran out of that milk at home)

* Food I haven't eaten yet but can eat right now:
Ice cream, sherbet, yoghurt, applesauce, avocadoes, etc.

* Food I'm planning to try and eat once I've healed up a little more:
Softly scrambled eggs, miso soup, well-cooked pasta, soft-boiled eggs, pho (noodle soup without the beef), crackers dipped in coca-cola (I swear by this! It tastes so good!)


March update: So I'm back to eating normally now, and it's fantastic.
Now looking back, it doesn't seem so bad. I'm just glad the doctors fully knocked me out before the extraction!

Chocolate Cake

So this morning I woke up and walked into the kitchen and was greeted with the tantalizing aroma of something that resembled cake.

Naturally, I got really excited, but after looking everywhere, couldn't find the source of the smell. After a little while, I realised the pot of coffee was on and running. Hazelnut flavoured coffee.

Disappointed, I concentrated on finding an instant source of cake, short of walking to the bakery and getting a slice.

What did I do exactly?
Made a cake in the microwave.

Now, if you google '5 minute cake' you'll be greeted with millions of hits.
The base recipe calls for you to make a cake from scratch and microwave it in a mug.
To maximize taste, however, I usually open a box of cake mix. And I hesitate to use a mug, not knowing how microwave-friendly they are, so I use a microwaveable bowl.

So how do I do it?


Ingredients:
- 5 heaping tbsp chocolate cake mix (I use the Duncan Hines Swiss Chocolate one)
- 1 egg
- 3 tbsp milk
- 2 tbsp olive oil

- Find a microwaveable bowl and butter down the base and sides so you don't lose any of the cakey goodness. I use a bowl that can hold about a pint which is about a litre, to compensate for the cake rising.
- In another bowl, mix together the wet ingredients
- Mix the cake mix into wet ingredients
- Pour into the buttered bowl, cover loosely with a microwaveable lid (I do this because I think the cake gets drier/spongier than if it isn't covered - it might just be psychological though! :)
- Microwave for 3 min; it's done when a knife inserted comes out cleanly
- Top with icing/chocolate chips/nuts or just enjoy straight from the microwave! Careful! It's hot! :D


Microwaved cake has a peculiar taste that at first was odd but it definitely grows on you!
It's a light cake I think, that's still relatively drier than a cake baked in the oven, but a glass of milk will solve that!

Pay it Backwards!

Most people need that fix of java in the morning in order to be fully functional - I thankfully am not among those people.

Now, if your favourite coffee haunt is at Second Cup, you may just want to do a small act of kindness today - buy the person behind you a coffee.

Why is that?

Well today's Pay it Backwards day.

For every cup of coffee that's bought for the person behind you, $5 will be donated to Sick Kids Hospital.

Fuzzy feelings of being a do-gooder and perhaps a cup of coffee for yourself as well - what more can you ask for?

Now, I'm just hoping that hot chocolate counts in this as well... :D

Old Navy

Old Navy.

It's something I've been obsessed with for a couple of months now, especially since Old Navy Weekly got me hooked to the store. You won't have to scour long to find sites and pages dedicated to finding the coupons on the site to use in-store - or the drama linked with them either.

Now, Bargainmoose - yet again - has another great contest for us Canadians.
Win a $75 giftcard for ON?! I'm so down for that!

Bargains + Canadian = Bargainmoose

I have a list of sites that I love to follow every single day.
One of those wonderful sites is Bargainmoose.


It's the place I check for updates on great sales and offers in CANADA. Isn't it just so frustrating when you see a great deal, and realize that it's only for the US, not for us Canucks?

Anyway, often, there are many great deals, but I can't use them because I
- don't visit those particular stores
- don't use that certain item
- don't buy online

BUT I still to visit and see Anna's (the site's poster) humourous reports/handwritten picture comments.

Also, I love how she has contests from time to time.
This time, I'm really excited for a contest to win a set of gorgeous earrings - just like the ones Jillian wore on the Bachelorette (I know, it's a guilty watch).


Check it out!
http://www.bargainmoose.ca/bargainmoose-contest-win-a-set-of-74-earrings-from-stella-and-dot-canada/
If not for the contest, then for the deals and humour!

Tornadoes in Toronto

First off, I am a proud Torontonian.

Now today, as I went up from the subway at about 7pm, I was surprised to see that it was dark like it was 9pm. I mean it's just August 20th - summer's still in the air! There was an ominous feeling in the dark skies, and just as I was contemplating the thought, a sudden torrential downpour started. There was very little warning for the rain save the darks skies.

http://network.nationalpost.com/np/blogs/toronto/archive/2009/08/20/gta-under-tornado-warnings.aspx

Wow - the amount of rain and the thunder and lightning - it was both wonderful and terrifying.

Now as I lie here listening to the news, I'm stunned to hear that there's a tornado warning in effect - what?! This is TORONTO. We rarely get this sort of weather! I'm actually glad I live in Toronto because we usually escape this extreme weather.

I was lucky enough to get through this with just a good thorough soaking. There's news of other who had less luck and I just hope they'll get everything fixed soon.

What was beautiful, though, was after the storm subsided, the skies started to lighten to a gorgeous shade of orange, lightening to show that darkness can be succeeded by the light.

This mind-boggling phenomenon just shows anything is possible.

Lost Generation - A Poem -- Jonathan Reed

Now I'm not a huge fan of poetry, but my friend showed me this poem the other day, and it is one inspiring poem. (Thanks for this amazing piece!)

Reading on the way down, it's a depressing story of how society can be painted.
Read in reverse, it's not only a brilliant piece revealed, but a testament that a difference can be made.

Enjoy.

Lost Generation

I realize this may be a shock but
'Happiness comes from within'
is a lie, and
'Money will make me happy'
So in thirty years I will tell my children
they are not the most important thing in my life.
My employer will know that
I have my priorities straight because
work
is more important than
family
I tell you this
Once upon a time
Families stayed together
but this will not be true in my era
this is a quick fix society
Experts tell me
Thirty years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
I do not concede that
I will live in a country of my own making
In the future
Environmental destruction will be the norm
No longer can it be said that
My peers and I care about this earth
It will be evident that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic
It is foolish to presume that
There is hope.

And all of this will come true unless we choose to reverse it.

SURVIVE! Essential Skills and Tactics to Get You Out of Anywhere - Alive -- Les Stroud

On my daily commute with my customary sheaf of newspaper, I was reading the articles and was about to skip over yet another ad, when I noticed that it was an ad from Chapters/Indigo/Coles. 50% off select books, geared towards Father's Day. (And the deals go on only until Jun 20th, so act fast!)

One book in particular that caught my eye was Survive! by Les Stroud.


Now, I don't usually make impulse buys, but I had to get that book the same day that I saw that ad. What can I say, I'm a huge fan of his show, Survivorman (I will definitely miss his shows since they're apparently ending with season 3). And after reading the reviews and reading through part of the book, $12 for this book is a fantastic deal!

Plus, I figured it was about time to get brushed up on some survival skills just in case that does happen. I know it's pessimistic, but with summer just around the bend and trips likely to occur... well I'd rather be prepared than not...

REVIEWS

I haven't read that many books on the topic, and the only thing I've heard about survival is from the show, obviously (and from a 4-hour long session on outdoor activities and useful skills).

But from what I've read from the book, and from various websites reviewing the book, it's a comprehensive read, that almost assumes you know certain skills and stuff (e.g. tying knots...). It's straightforward and easy to understand. He illustrates points well with examples and interesting stories (remember Aron!).

There's also a chapter on one of the most important aspects of survival - the psychological part of it. It could have been covered some more, but the fact that it's there is great.

And well, it's just basically a really good book coming from a fantastic survivor with lots and lots of experience.

MY POV

From my reading so far, the book instructs clearly and the writing is very conversational - exactly like how he is during his show. But a book that is conversational like this makes for a very interesting read.

It seems like a book with a lot of his work to date - I like the fact that the book explains quite in depth how he used them on the show - like how to use a watch as a compass, with daylight savings time in consideration.

The fact that he drops little helpful tidbits here and there is also very appreciated (e.g. when eating mussels, if the water coming out of them is green - it's poisonous, you don't want to eat one of those; if it's clear, it's good).

I also like how the book is organized into the following chapters - you can quickly flip to what's important and the categories are quite apt:

1. Trip Planning and Prep
2. Survival Kits
3. Psychological Aspects of Survival
4. Signalling
5. Water
6. Fire
7. Shelter
8. Survival Travel and Navigation
10. Dangers and Hazards
11. Weather
12. Clothing
13. Survival First Aid
14. Essential Survival Skills
15. When Disaster Strikes Close to Home

There are also checklists of important items at the end of the book, which is handy since you don't have to comb through the book for the lists.


I'd definitely bring this book with me if I'm ever going to some sort of trip (The book is a ~370-page softcover - light! - with a durable, waterproof cover - I only wish the inside pages were waterproof... though they could be used for tinder in an emergency. There are actually two pages at the end that are labelled "Fire Starter" :D).
And I'd better get a move on with my survival kits!

* * *

Also, for those interested in other 50% off books, the other books, besides Survive! were:
Always Looking Up - Michael J. Fox
My Remarkable Journey - Larry King
Assegai - Wilbur Smith
Medusa - Clive Cussler
I Met The Walrus - Jerry Levitan
The Legend of Sigurd & Gudrun - J. R. R. Tolkien
The Complete License to Grill - Chris Knight
Crazy for the Storm - Norman Ollestad

Two other notes:
I live in Toronto, so I don't know if that's the only place with this promo.
Also, even though they're on sale, when I went to the store, they weren't placed on a special table or marked up to show that discount or anything - the discount was just taken automatically at the cash.

Peach Plum Pear

I've been a fan of Joanna Newsom's music for a while now, but I haven't gone beyond her album version songs and a few live performances via youtube.

In hindsight, I'm glad I decided to stick around and try to listen to a couple of her songs, since the first minute I listened to her song, I thought: what the heck is this?!

Peach Plum Pear was one of her songs that I first listened to.
Here's the version that I usually listen to:

Her voice is so different from what is accepted as 'normal' in society, and it's a shame that our definition of beauty is so narrow. Her voice is raw and conveys such a deep sense of emotion.
And her harp playing? Stunning.
Oh the joy I derive from listening to her songs

Now, before, I was a little irritated that Joanna changes the singing or tweaks the playing just a little bit from performance to performance.
But that was before I found an alternate version of Peach Plum Pear.

Here's the new version that I found that I got shivers listening to the first time (though the ending was a little drawn out imo):

And lastly, here is a wonderful cover I found of the song, by Owen Pallett (And it was a shock to find a cover that I actually liked since I usually don't like covers):

LYRICS

Oh, and I nearly forgot the lyrics! I've read a number of people say that she is a brilliant lyricist. And I've got to say that I agree. For the longest time, I just listened to her songs without examining the lyrics. And this song's words just touched me so.

These are the lyrics as I hear when listening to the song:

We speak in the store
I'm a sensitive bore
You seem markedly more
And I'm oozing suprise

But it's late in the day
And you're well on your way
What was golden went gray
And I'm suddenly shy

And the gathering floozies
Afford to be choosy
And all sneezing darkly
In the dimming divide

Well I have read the right books
To interpret your looks
But you were knocking me down
With the palm of your eye

Oh na na na...

This is unlike the story
It was written to be
I was riding its back
When it used to ride me

And we were galloping manic
To the mouth of the source
And we were swallowing panic
In the face of its force

And I was blue
I was blue and unwell
Made me bolt like a horse

Oh na na na...

And now it's done
Watch it go
Well you've changed some
Water runs from the snow

And am I so dear
And do I run rare
Well you've changed some
Peach, plum, pear
Peach, plum

Now, I think that it's a song about a girl who thought she found love, but it was just a crush. She's new to love and still shy. When the man does not act as she expects, she reflects on how she's lost something that was never hers. She's thinking that he's changed from that ideal love in her mind, to this reality where he never showed any interest in her to begin with.
I'm curious what the 'peach plum pear' means though. Any thoughts?

the search for the perfect first post

First blog post.
How daunting.
What to write about, what to write about.
The first post should be something interesting, something witty, something to draw in people.
It should be about something relevent, something that people care about, something I care about.
So what fits the bill? Hummm

I could start with who I am:
a university student, a daughter and sister, a friend

I could start with my interests:
music and arts, books, cooking, tv, current issues, volunteering, computers and design

Or I could start with whatever strikes my fancy.
Oh the possibilities...